The Ideal Hipster...

A little while back, maybe a week ago, my friend Ramrod and I were at a movie theater (coincidentally the one I work at), and we had just seen The Roommate (a very mediocre movie, I wouldn't suggest paying for it). Now, Ramrod, being my only female friend, shares mostly the same views on the whole "hipster" thing. But there is one thing she especially hates: hip tattoos. Now, this is not to be mistaken with pelvic tattoos, which are acceptable.

This is a hip tattoo. This is skanky.

This is a pelvic tattoo. This is acceptable.







Regardless, during the movie, we were pointing out things on several females that we don't like, such as droopy hats or white jeans. After the movie, we sat down at a table, and while ranting about hipsters, we came up with the description of what we like to call "The Ideal Hipster."

Now, I know it's sometimes difficult to distinguish between male and female hipsters, what with the tight pants and similar hairstyles, we'll start with the female version of "The Ideal Hipster."

Well start with the shoes. They are what Ramrod and I call "flappy boots." I have no idea what these boots are actually called, if anything. If YOU happen to know, share info maybe?

They are stupid, they're ugly, and they're more than likely extremely uncomfortable.






Continuing on up, there's the black leggings that cut off halfway down the calf. There's no need for a picture here because everyone knows what they look like.

Around the hips-- Oh, I'm sorry, the WAIST of the hipster girl in question are her gray wool shorts.

Generally, we wear shorts because it's summer. And in summer it's hot. So why in the great almighty fuck would anyone want to wear WOOL shorts. Wool, being the hottest material, should not be worn during summer. Therefore, hipsters are stupid.






 Then there's the floral shirt.

 This is stupid for two reasons. First, floral patterns are for old ladies and curtains. Second, how does a floral print match with anything? I'm not entirely hellbent on "matching" but there's a limit to what's aesthetically pleasing to look at.




Then there's the leather jacket worn over it. You know the one. 

There's way more zippers than could ever be necessary, most are purely for decoration. You know, because I want to decorate with zippers. And, of course, it's never zipped up because it's way too conformist to zip your jacket. 




Then there's the hipster hair.

The sorta-pixie cut that's always unkempt. Because everyone brushes their hair. It probably ruins the environment.






Always paired with the fantastic hipster bangs.

 
They're straight across, and stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't understand how anyone could every find that even remotely attractive, cute, or anything of the sort.






Perched on top of the ideal hipster's head is the droopy hat.

I FUCKING hate the droopy hat. It's like fucking melting off the top of the wearer's head. It's so fucking stupid.





As for hipster girl's accessories, there's the wonderful combination of Fashion Glasses and a stupid-looking necklace.

 
Remember way back in the day when wearing glasses made you uncool and a total loser? Yeah, I miss those days.








The icing on the cake, the Native American purse.

Man, I'm so cultured because I have a bag made in a Honduran sweat shop made to look like a Native American satchel that they would carry around. Of course, there's also fringe. Because fringe is just ever so important on my bag used for carrying things.





Put all of this together and KA-BLAM! You, my friend, have the ideal hipster. The epitome of my hatred for mankind. All you have to do is add an undeserved sense of arrogance and a splash of veganism, and indeed, you have all you need to create the perfect hipster.