The Ideal Hipster...

A little while back, maybe a week ago, my friend Ramrod and I were at a movie theater (coincidentally the one I work at), and we had just seen The Roommate (a very mediocre movie, I wouldn't suggest paying for it). Now, Ramrod, being my only female friend, shares mostly the same views on the whole "hipster" thing. But there is one thing she especially hates: hip tattoos. Now, this is not to be mistaken with pelvic tattoos, which are acceptable.

This is a hip tattoo. This is skanky.

This is a pelvic tattoo. This is acceptable.







Regardless, during the movie, we were pointing out things on several females that we don't like, such as droopy hats or white jeans. After the movie, we sat down at a table, and while ranting about hipsters, we came up with the description of what we like to call "The Ideal Hipster."

Now, I know it's sometimes difficult to distinguish between male and female hipsters, what with the tight pants and similar hairstyles, we'll start with the female version of "The Ideal Hipster."

Well start with the shoes. They are what Ramrod and I call "flappy boots." I have no idea what these boots are actually called, if anything. If YOU happen to know, share info maybe?

They are stupid, they're ugly, and they're more than likely extremely uncomfortable.






Continuing on up, there's the black leggings that cut off halfway down the calf. There's no need for a picture here because everyone knows what they look like.

Around the hips-- Oh, I'm sorry, the WAIST of the hipster girl in question are her gray wool shorts.

Generally, we wear shorts because it's summer. And in summer it's hot. So why in the great almighty fuck would anyone want to wear WOOL shorts. Wool, being the hottest material, should not be worn during summer. Therefore, hipsters are stupid.






 Then there's the floral shirt.

 This is stupid for two reasons. First, floral patterns are for old ladies and curtains. Second, how does a floral print match with anything? I'm not entirely hellbent on "matching" but there's a limit to what's aesthetically pleasing to look at.




Then there's the leather jacket worn over it. You know the one. 

There's way more zippers than could ever be necessary, most are purely for decoration. You know, because I want to decorate with zippers. And, of course, it's never zipped up because it's way too conformist to zip your jacket. 




Then there's the hipster hair.

The sorta-pixie cut that's always unkempt. Because everyone brushes their hair. It probably ruins the environment.






Always paired with the fantastic hipster bangs.

 
They're straight across, and stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't understand how anyone could every find that even remotely attractive, cute, or anything of the sort.






Perched on top of the ideal hipster's head is the droopy hat.

I FUCKING hate the droopy hat. It's like fucking melting off the top of the wearer's head. It's so fucking stupid.





As for hipster girl's accessories, there's the wonderful combination of Fashion Glasses and a stupid-looking necklace.

 
Remember way back in the day when wearing glasses made you uncool and a total loser? Yeah, I miss those days.








The icing on the cake, the Native American purse.

Man, I'm so cultured because I have a bag made in a Honduran sweat shop made to look like a Native American satchel that they would carry around. Of course, there's also fringe. Because fringe is just ever so important on my bag used for carrying things.





Put all of this together and KA-BLAM! You, my friend, have the ideal hipster. The epitome of my hatred for mankind. All you have to do is add an undeserved sense of arrogance and a splash of veganism, and indeed, you have all you need to create the perfect hipster.

An Introductory Message

My hatred of the "hipster" is like the hatred of Hitler toward Jews. I think they are the scum of the earth and should be exterminated. All of them.

Now, granted, I hate hipsters, but I am not actually going to DO anything about this hatred (Before you contact the Feds). Hence why I have created a blog to bitch about hipsters and anything else that may have pissed me off on any given occasion.

My idea for this blog, or at least the title, partially came about from my roommate, Ethan, and partially from the hipster girl in one of our classes.

I am a freshman in my local state university and Ethan is two years my senior (so what does that make him? A Junior, yes, that's right). Our very last class of the day is Geology 1001 (or Introduction to Geology for those who don't understand our college's numbering system. Don't worry, I didn't get it either for the longest time). We generally get to class pretty early, me because the class I have before it is in the same room, and he because he has work before Geology and gets to campus reasonably early. So how do we spend our time before class starts? Sitting in our seats and watching the people that walk in. So of course, our first day of this class, we did exactly that.

Now, you have to understand, the classroom holds roughly 300 people, it's a small auditorium, so people trickle in at first, then very rapidly toward the start of class (silly college kids waiting till the last second to go to class). So we're watching people, making snide comments at people who have any kind of certain "look" to them. For example, "Aw man, who invited Jacob?" (about the guy looking like he walked straight off of the set of Twilight), and "I'm sorry, please wear pants to class" (about the sorority skanks wearing leggings instead of pants then bitching about how it's freezing outside). I'm sure you can imagine how amused we were at the variety of different things we can say about people expressing their (style).

But then, we saw something to top all of it: "Hipster Girl" and her two friends. Hipster Girl, of course, having to make a "good impression" on her first day of class, had to express her style so that everyone knows how "individualized" and "non-conforming to the styles of today" she is. I'll give you a quick run-down on what she was "wearing."

We'll start from the ground up: her shoes, I must admit, I don't actually remember. I have to imagine they were terrible, as all hipster-shoes are. Pics will follow eventually, I promise. Her pants, wait, sorry, LEGGINGS, were standard black, however, there were diamond shapes cut into the sides. You know that Ke$ha "song" where she makes reference to "stockings ripped all up the sides"? Yeah, that. On top of her leggings, she was wearing a grayish-greenish-colored mess of a miniskirt. Her jacket, because regardless of where you live in the States, it's COLD in January, was a dark gray leather jacket. One of those that zip up normally about halfway, then bend 45 degrees off to the side and continue, even though there's no possible way that anyone could zip it up? Add several other useless, decorative zippers everywhere, then you might have an idea of what her jacket looked like. Continuing on up, you have her hair. It was pretty long, maybe midway down her back, bangs swept off to the side, mostly over one of her eyes, etc, but very shaggy-looking, and kind of gross-looking. She had part of it dyed blue also! However, the parts she had dyed are the tips of her bangs, and a small bit in the middle of her hair on the other side of her face. Wtf, mate? And, of course, she had the feather/flower headband on her head. Couldn't tell exactly what it was, a flower or a feather, but it was big, it was colorful, and it was chillin' on top of her head.

Her two friends: One was a fat chick that dressed semi-normally, the other was a guy wearing skinny jeans tighter than my normal-jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt (though is it really still a t-shirt if it's a v-neck? Maybe just a v-neck short-sleeve shirt?), and a very long, gray hipster-beanie. What's a hipster beanie? Take a condom, unroll it a little bit and grab by the tip. That's what it looks like.

Now that you're aware of who Hipster Girl is, I can continue with the origin of the blog title story.

Ethan and I were walking around on campus today, trying to find something that we wanted to have for lunch. We ended up walking to the outskirts of campus, only to find nothing we wanted that was cheap enough, and decided to walk back. On the way back, Ethan says "Oh look. It's our friend, the hipster." I giggle for a few seconds, and decide that I should write a book entitled that. Then I remembered that I don't have the attention span to write an entire book, so I settled for a blog. Ta-da!

P.S. To clear something up, I'm pretty damn judgmental of people's clothing. I'm normally a pretty open-minded individual... Until it comes to people's clothing decisions (or choice of laptop computer, but that's expected... Macs suck).